"This instant is the only time there is."

Fortune cookies sometimes know exactly what to say.

Wanting.

I dream of being happy. With whatever I do; I want to create. I miss my fashion production life. Moving on to culinary sometime feels like I'm betraying what I already know. I have and will always have a yearning to learn. I can't help it. There are so many things I want to do and be apart of. Fashion. Food. The world. I don't want to waste my time here. I want to look back at my twenties and be happy with what I did.

Creating. Making others happy. Making myself happy.

It makes my insides curl around each other and I feel like it could just pour out of me at any moment. Which it usually does... in the form of tears. Sometimes I feel like I will go nowhere but that would only be my own fault.

I need a plan.

Quick post while the filling bubbles away.

So, I decided to take my first culinary leap and bake a bread. An Apricot and Apple Braided Danish to be exact! Its a two dayer...

Today, I got all the ingredients and started to make the bread. Taking all the necessary percautions that the recipe tells me but I decided to double the recipe... and messed up. Whoops! Since its a bread, YEAST is a pretty important thing and guess what. On my first batch, I didn't add enough. So on take two, which I could practically do with my eyes closed, I remembered to double the yeast.  Mixed and kneaded for 10 or so minutes (quite the work-out).

Now, as that sits in the fridge overnight... seemed weird but oh well, just following the recipe. I am making the apple part of the filling. It called for raisins but I decided to use craisins! Mmm! So, I'll finish that and then wake up tomorrow morning and put the loaf together and bake away. And then off to work and then to the Steady's  for Turkey Day!

So far, I must say that the recipe seems to misprinted in some places. Like, too much cinnamon and lemon and refrigerating the bread overnight to rise seems weird since yeast need heat and moisture. Oh well, it's my first time. I'm sure it will be delicious!

I really need to get this going!

I have been saying I need to do this forever but starting this week I will start baking more! Well, baking or cooking or what have you. I have so many treats that I want to try and these recipes are taking up too much room in my notebooks. Time to start cooking, experimenting, and filling up my recipe catalog!

Hmm. My first recipe will beeeeee......

I always find myself wishing.

I have so many ambitions.
Is that so wrong?
To create and be artistic is my number one priority.
Whether it's in fashion, cooking, baking, or some sort of craft.
Create a warm and friendly home.
Always filled with loved ones.

Searching for opportunities.
Use my degree.
Get an apprenticeship in the pastry world.

Do something, anything, and whatever will make me happy and feel like I have accomplished something worthwhile. 


So why do I feel like it's all impossible?

My mind is about to shatter.
My body aches with worry.
The feeling of my skin crawling is far to familiar and my insides wont sit still.
There are too many things up in the air when I'm so low.
Full to the brim.
I'm lost in a blur.
Fearful I might never get my footing back.
I wait.

before 24...

I will create.
I will challenge myself.
I will change, but only for me.

Less than 1 year--

art.
fashion.
cuisine.
family.
friends.
health.
...what I care about and what will drive me.

Couldn't have planned it better myself.

It's incredible that I am still exhausted from my birthday weekend. It's 7:45 and I'm sitting in the laundry mat yawning like no body's business. I'm sure this is the sign of a great birthday... which it was.

To start off, I wasn't expecting a lot. I was really just wanting to see the people I love and to have some fun along the way.  Steady made that happen and then some. On Friday, he showed up and surprisingly brought me a cake that he had made along with presents, presents, and more presents. The cake was wonderful and very colorful! The gifts were: a pair of owl socks, a head massage-thingy, a shirt that I wanted, 3 picture frames with pictures of use and a vintage Clue game that fits in a book shelf and actually looks like a book. He did verrry well.

Saturday was full of surprises. We got some delish breakfast and then he blind-folded me and drove me up to Cambridge and picked up my friend and his girlfriend. That was a HUGE surprise! Then the blind-fold was on once again and we drove for a good amount of time just chatting, well, the mostly commented on things that I couldn't see or that they made up to upset me. Then we arrived at another place and picked someone else up. And the person wouldn't introduce himself, all I could hear was his laugh which was no help. But then, Steady turned on the music and then leg drumming began and I know at once that is was his best friend! Another surprise? Of course, 27 minutes later we came to my favorite Jew's house. It was given away by the house number. I figured it out. Then more blind-fold time and some driving later and we were at our destination. Steady didn't want to ruin the surprise so I kept my eyes closed the whole time. But from the car to the actual destination he walked me into a car and a pillar and failed to tell me to step up on a curb or when to get on a off an escalator, make that 3 different escalators.  But where were we? Dave and Busters! So much fun! It was a great surprise!!

After that everyone was dropped off and Steady and I headed back to Allston to get ready to go out. Unfortunately nothing seemed to tickle my fancy but then we got notice of people at a karaoke bar and we thought why not. No one got to sing but it was still a lot of fun!

Then Sunday was spent at the beach. It was FANTASTIC! We went with My favorite Jew and Photobug. It was great to spend the day with them. Like old times in college. I really miss the days that I got to see them everyday. And it is so weird to know that Photobug will barely be home for the next 2 years. I miss her a lot but it was great to see her.

But to sum up this long entry...

I HAD A GREAT BIRTHDAY! <3 xoxo

What an AMAZING weekend.

I don't think I could have wished for a better weekend. Steady really did a great job. There are 45 minutes left of my official birthday and it will be spent thinking and dreaming of the past few days. But what this weekend has shown me is the I have a wonderful boyfriend that I can't get enough of and great friends that I wish I saw more.

Since this weekend was so great, obviously I can't spend another minute with my eyes open but I have so many things running around in my head that need to be written down. Tomorrow. Now however, I will give a quick call to the guy who should be next to me right now and then its some hard core sleeping time!

Until tomorrow...

Even though I sometimes rant about my living situation and my old job and even some certain people...

I think I am truly blessed and have some of the greatest friends. Some I don't see as often as I like, some might be considered to others as acquaintances, and some I know are true friends and our friendship will last for our entire lives.

Its crazy to think how quickly life just flies by. I have such great memories that seriously feel like they happened only yesterday. But, at the same time the friendship I have with these people feels like its lasted a lifetime because the universe knows that we should have been friends since it's creation.

I have so much nostalgia running through me from looking at old photos while I'm packing up my room to move in a few weeks. From the huge photo album that Photobug gave me, to the one posted up on my cork board. So much fun was had and I don't regret a thing when it comes to true friends.

Less than 2 weeks

August 8th. Otherwise known as my birthday. And I am less than excited...

From my experience, my birthday should not be a day to look forward to. I have had a long string of bad birthdays. I think the last time I had a good birthday was when I use to spend my entire summer in Maine. It was never anything special. Just my family, a friend or two, if that, and a cake. Simple yet fun. I've never had an extrodinary birthday but at the same time I'm not expecting one now. I'm actually just hoping to get through my birthday without crying. That's probably my biggest goal since just thinking of my birthday now makes me tear up.

I've told a few people that I want to abolish my birthday. I don't see why not. It would make it so no one would have the chance to ruin the day. I'm not saying that all my birthdays were bad but what has happened on my birthday in the past would create birthday pesimission for anybody. Being forgotten, yelled at, guilt-tripped, and crying my eyes out does not compute to good memories about the one day that should be special for me. In this case the bad out wieghs the good. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

Focus on the good things maybe? I'm about to embark on a new chapter in my life. A new place to live with a newish roommate. A place that I can actually make my own. Decorate myself and put MY personality into. A believe it could create a whole new way of life for me. No more craziness to deal with. And I'll actually have space to accomplish some of my ideas! This is what I am hopeful for.

More clothing making.
Try to make more accessories.
Expand and develop my portfolio. 
Makes my drawing into an actualality.
Start baking regularly.
Hopefully will get to take the cake decorating class I've been dying to.
Truly enjoy the Fall.

I have begun packing. I'm too excited to move. Clean. Organize. Pack. Repeat. I hope to only have my bed, tolietries, and some clothing left in my apt before August 28th. I will deticate my nights and whatever I can in the weekend to this. Fingers crossed.

Boston Public Market

Who wouldn't love fresh, locally grown food all year round? I know that I would love a Market for the whole year. I know that the so call "Vine-ripe tomatoes" sold at the grocery store are picked way too early and then just sit around till their red. Not really ripe so thank you! Lets give this idea a jump start and click on the link below and make sure to "Email the Governor" after to watch the video. You wont regret it!

Boston Public Market

Wow.

Today is good for 2 reasons.

1-Lindsay Lohan finally gets what's coming to her and makes her way to jail.

2-As you already know, I have decided to be apart of the event called "Catwalk for the Cure"- a fashion show deticated to raise money to finding a cure for Breast Cancer. Well, today, I e-mailed them my ideas for what I will be making and they liked them so much that they want to use my drawing for a promotional event.

"Boston Common Magazine asked for pictures, because this is the first event we don't have them so I thought sketches would be unique."

MY SKETCHES WILL BE IN BOSTON COMMON MAGAZINE!!


...here's your sneak preview!

Wish list

The Steady's Birthday Weekend!

Well, its 10:32PM on Sunday night of Steady's birthday weekend. I tried my best to make it a good one for him. I got him 2 albums and hoped that he didn't already have them, hid them under my pillows and waited for him to find them. It was pretty sneaky. That was Friday night the rest of the weekend was like this.

Saturday morning... made muffins for the b-day boy and we ate them. YUM.

• We pretty much just enjoyed each others company in a nice, quiet apartment. 
• Had a Flash Flood fill up the apartments courtyard and watched in the river in the back alley.
• Dinner time. We made tacos. I started it but when he left to go get the seasoning that the cashier left out of my bags, I got the pan to jump off the stove into my hands. That's right burnt my fingers by catching a hot pan. Smart right? So Steady finished it up since I had to try and cool down my fingers to stop the pain.
• Then I surprised him by taking him to a comedy club above a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge. [Sneaky, sneaky] It turned out to be a great choice. Very funny night. 
• After wards, we met up with a few of his friends and had a drink or two.
• Surprisingly, ran into a friend that is usually in NYC and had a nice chat.
• Bed time.

Sunday morning. PANCAKES!

• The birthday weekend seemed to also have Free Slurpee thrown in the mix so we walked to Coolidge Corner and got some yummy but not so "free" slurpees. Still good.
• Window shopped. Then a 57 bus to Not Your Average Joe's in Watertown to use his free birthday meal coupon. Save me a buck or so.
• Then came back to my apartment and just hung out.

I know it wasn't incredible but it was a great weekend.

Also, on top of all that, I made him a cake. No final pictures but I took some along the way. It was fun and I will definitely try it again!

The components:

That's French Vanilla cake, Ice cream and a chocolate and white chocolate gnoche!

It was a layered cake where the cake surrounded the ice cream like a cookie and the gnoche was like a frosting.

Making the Gnoche!

Heat 1 cup heavy cream to a simmer.

Add 12 oz Semi Sweet Chocolate chips.

Gently wisk so mixture does not seize up.

Keep whisking until chocolate is completely melted.

For the White Chocolate Gnoche you only heat up 1/2 cup of heavy cream, pour in the white chocolate chips and gently shake the pan until the chips are submerged. Then add 4 T of butter and let it rest for 1 minute. Then whisk until mixture is smooth and all chips and butter has melted.

For both, refrigerate for at least 30 minutes so that the mixture can firm like frosting. It was quite delicious.

But now it's bed time again. The end of a long weekend full of surpises, good and bad, and fun with the Steady. Too bad he had to leave. Too bad its back to the real world tomorrow morning. Too bad for a lot of things but smiles and laughs overpower what didn't go according to plan this weekend.

Smiles, Laughs and Love.

Getting closer.

Just waiting. Waiting for something to do. Waiting for Steady to come back from Europe. Waiting for September 1st. Waiting for great news about lots of things. Wishful. Hopeful. Scared. Stressed. Focus on today. Maybe tomorrow, but not much further. What does everyone say? "Live in the Moment"? Isn't the easiest idea but it helps some have hope. Deep breaths. Thats what I have to do. Dont "count my chickens" and what not. Smile. Keep busy. We'll see.

Too long.

Its 5 days since Steady left, and I couldn't miss him more. I hate that I can't just call him up to shoot the breeze or just hear his voice.  He'll be back next week, thankfully, and I just cant wait! I've been trying to do things to keep myself busy. I joined a gym. I picked up a new book, which I finished in a day. I rearranged my room just a little. But none of it makes me stop missing him. I suppose that some time apart can be a good thing and that seeing each other again in the flesh will be wonderful. This whole experience kinda makes me never want to use instant messaging again though. Hearing his voice had become a daily thing for me. Hugging, kissing, cuddling is a weekly thing. I haven't been able to do any of it since last Sunday. It doesn't sit well with me.

I actually never thought I would be like this in a relationship but I guess everything changes when you find a wonderful person to spend your time with.

2 weeks.

Welp. Steady is gone. He left last night on a red-eye flight to Europe. Lucky dog. I didn't think it would be so hard to know hes so far away. I started to cry on the phone last night but tried to make sure that he didn't know. And of course last night I had a nightmare featuring him. In the dream I did something completely out of character and it was truly horrible. I know I would never do such a thing in real life on the sole reason that I know it would break his heart. Which, in turn, would break mine. But now, all I want to do is talk to him. Tell him my dream, just hear his voice. Hug him, kiss him...

Just 12 days left.

The next two weeks...

About 5 minutes ago, Steady left my apartment. That is the last time that I'll see him for two weeks. He kept repeating "It's only two weeks." But when you have someone that is your go to when life gives you trouble or joy, and is the person that you love, it's a little hard to just say goodbye. Even if its just for two weeks.

I plan to keep myself ultra busy at work and at home. I just bought a new book Water for Elephants and I'm hoping that will distract me for a long time. In about a week, Amiga will be back in the states and we'll hopefully get together to find an apartment. I kick myself now for not applying to a great apartment right off of Harvard Ave. It was a split but the bedrooms were so large that it didn't even matter. The downfall was the kitchen. I need a good kitchen. But anyway. Hopefully by the time steady returns I will have a new apartment.

For now, its time for bed. And I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Learing

I am trying so hard to do well at this new job. And funny enough, as I wrote that sentance the woman in HR that I interviewed with asked how I was doing with the work and she ended up saying that I was great and am doing really well. I'm really hoping that these are all good signs. SO we'll see how it goes but I'm still wishing for good things to happen here.

....Inspiration.

Did they tell you, you should grow up
When you wanted to dream
Did they warn you, better shape up
If you want to succeed
I don't know about you, who are they talking to?
They aren't talking to me

I'm higher than high, lower than deep
I'm doing it wrong, singing along

Did I ask you for attention
When affection is what I need
Thinking sorrow is perfection
I'd wallow 'til you told me
There's no glitter in the gutter
There's no twilight galaxy

Go higher than high, ooo
Lower than deep, ooo
Keep doing it wrong, ooo
Singing along, ooo

I'm higher than high, ooo
Lower than deep, ooo
Doing it wrong, ooo
and singing along, ooo

I'm alright, c'mon baby
I've seen all the demons that you've got.
If you're not alright, now c'mon baby
I'll pick you up and take you where you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anywhere you want
Anything you want

I'm higher than high, ooo
Lower than deep, ooo
Doing it wrong, ooo
And singing along, ooo

Higher than high, ooo
Lower than deep, ooo
Doing it wrong, ooo
Singing along, ooo

Ooo
Ooo
Ooo
Ooo

Why did I do it?
What did it get me?
Scrapbooks full of me in the background.
Give 'em love and what does it get ya?
What does it get ya?
One quick look as each of 'em leaves you.
All your life and what does it get ya?
Thanks a lot and out with the garbage,
They take bows and you're battin' zero.

I had a dream.
I dreamed it for you, ____.
It wasn't for me, ____.
And if it wasn't for me
then where would you be,
Miss ________?

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn?
Don't I get a dream for myself?
Starting now it's gonna be my turn.
Gangway, world, get off of my runway!
Starting now I bat a thousand!
This time, boys, I'm taking the bows and

everything's coming up Rose!
Everything's coming up roses!
Everything's coming up roses
this time for me!
For me! For me! For me! For me! For me!
For me!

Almost there...

Refusing to purchase another monthly pass will force me to ride my bike. Yes. The last two days have had lots of sweating. I've found out that a bike with tires for mountain biking will really kick your butt quickly. I have been huffing and puffing from my apartment to work for the last two days while my fellow bikers wiz past me with their skinny street tires. I'm hoping that I can soon switch out my tires but until then I guess I'll sweat.

Fixed my resume. My steady checked it. Now is its en route to my, well... the woman helping me find a job.... career adviser maybe?? Now I guess I just have to be patient and a job will arrive and I can leave Madewell in the dust. Cute clothes, yes. Career, NOO!

I can't think of anything better than a lazy day with someone you care about. Today was a partial lazy day with the steady. He met me in the Commons and we laid on a blanket and just enjoyed each others company. I can't wait do have an entire day dedicated to this specific thing.

Tomorrow, lots of work and sweating. Tonight, shower and sleep. Thursday, a day of fabric shopping with my favorite Jew.

Inhale

It has been a good couple of days.

Saturday, Revelry made its debut. I was honored to be in it. The concept was amazing, garments were beautiful, and I have high hopes for her future. The show was incredible but so bittersweet. I know that with in only a couple of weeks she'll be off to Philadelphia to have all sorts of adventures. I will miss her terribly. I'm so happy for her but so jealous at the same time. I wish for adventure and travel but have never had the ability to go to the fantastic places that I long to go for.

Sunday. That was an early day. The after party of the fashion show kicked my butt and I kinda wanted to sleep all day but my steady picked me up at about 10:30 and we spent the day together. I was full of the outdoors, ice cream, window shopping, and relaxation. I really do love to spend time with him. I can't believe that in a time in my life where everything is going wrong, I have someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay... even though it might not.

Today. Relaxed till about noon by watching a movie. Then decided that I should get my day started and went to the Temping Agency. The visit went very well. I just need to finagle my resume to make it more office friendly and the woman said she'd hopefully find me a new job. I need it badly. Then I worked at my promotional job and got to get some exercise by riding my bike. Now my legs hurt and I fear for tomorrow.


It seems that lately I would love to run from my life and go hide in a place where no one can find me. Erase all my debt to Sallie Mae and just live in an home, not just an apartment. I wish to someday be one of those people who can actually be relaxed about money and not worry about crazies in her life. I don't think its a very far fetched idea. But then again, I have been wrong before.

Exhale.

Tabulation of Yearning

Aspirations for the next year:

1. New, Awesome, Affordable Apartment

2. The ability to spend money on me and not bills

3. A job I enjoy

4. Reliable, respectful roommates

5. Cake Decorating Class

... for the next month:

1. Panama hat from H&M

2. A good raise

3. Relaxation

4. Pedometer

... for the next week:

1. Tank, Sweater, and Shorts from Madewell

2. Paychecks

3. Sleep


This is my "wish list" for now. A few are new and just came about today because I went windown shopping with my friend, Allison, on Newbury Street. Some things I have wanted for a while and hope to get it as soon as I can. I dont know how much longer I can be unhappy and stressed but I am taking the steps to remedy it.

I dont know if these lists work; but, I'll try anything at this point.

Valentine's Day Weekend...

Because of work, I am not able to spend time with the boyf on the actual V day. We celebrated a few days before hand. It was a good time and here are the things he got me!
Box o' Chocolates. I took a bite out of everyone of them... needed to check flavors!
He got me the Gorilla for Valentine's Day. But I put the bear with him because they are fast friends. From Right to Left: Roosevelt (the bear), Beesley (the bumble bee) and Carl (the gorilla).
And TULIPS!! My favorite flower. Yeah, they boyf is good.



Also, while we were hanging out I decided to start up one of my goals... Drawing.
A drawing of Dan. Doesn't look exactly like him but it was my first try and it's been a while since I did any sketching. I thought the fabric looked pretty good though.

I need to catch up....

I always set so many goals for myself and then slack to the up-teenth degree. So much so that I feel like I'm being left behind in my own life. My good friends from college are moving up and out and I am in the biggest rut of my life.

What to do? What to do?

Some things I'd like to start doing again:

Painting
Drawing (Charcoal babe)
Designing... and just creating in general.

I was to start a new chapter in my life.
I need to find a better job.
I need to do things for me, that make me a happier person.

If you didn't already know... I've said that before... but this is the first time I feel like I can really change my life. I have been too caught up with making other people happy and comfortable. What about me? Why do I push my feelings to the wayside??

"If you're friend said 'Hey man! It's my birthday! Get a tattoo of a hot dog!... Would you do it? NO!" --I heard that on the T today...
Even though is a particularly weird reference, it spoke to me. Why always make others happy if your not happy, right?

My newest goals:

Save up for a new camera.
Find a new apartment
Start designing... details later
Make a change, for me.

Time to stop....
Time to start.